Tea-Party, Coffee-Party, Republican-Party, Democratic-Party, why’s it always a party? Have you watched these people in action? Does it LOOK like it’s a party? There’s no party going on here. How about a Whiskey-party? That’s what I’m talking about. A new party. A party for people who don’t want to get anything done, they just want to bitch about how fucked up all the other parties are. Who wouldn’t join that party?
Here are some alternative political parties that those of us on the staff of Sargastic Irrevalence feel would help make the world a more interesting place, and give the people more options. Options – yeah!
Stop the Stupid Bullshit Party (SSB)
Members of the SSB are focused on putting an end to two primary things: 1. lack of personal freedom, 2. extreme political correctness. Although there does seem to be a bit of a discrepancy over what freedom is. For example, some people feel that taxation (having to pay the government a portion of their income) is an invasion of personal freedom because it makes some of their money less free. To be fair, they are correct. However, some sacrifices have got to be made. So where do you draw the line? It should be the responsibility of the SSB to figure that out. And, since this is a “tough” party, they should probably solve disputes vial duels. And, since this is America, they should probably use bowie knives. What could be more American than killing each other over a political decision? I’m not mentally challenged, I’m a RETARD – and damn proud!
Drug of choice – Red Bull and Gin.
End Partisan Politics Party (EPP)
The EPP is focused on one thing – putting an end to partisan politics. Although, realistically, this probably will never happen while the two primary parties exist. So, the EPP is really in charge of seeking an end to both the Republican and the Democratic parties. Yes, without them, everyone would hate each other equally. Take the blue and the red and smash them together. According to most art instructors, this will result in a purple nation. Can we exist as a purple nation? The EPP thinks we can not only exist, but excel to new and greater heights!
Drug of choice – LSD
(ecstasy for the under 30 crowd, because they can’t handle their acid)
Get a Grip Party (GAG)
GAG advocates put for the idea that self-control is something everyone needs to have, but that very few people have it. Regulatory forces need to be put into place in order to prevent a complete meltdown. These regulatory forces should operate on logic and common sense. Therefore the Supreme Court is their primary target, because it has the capacity to make decisions that fuck shit up for a lot of people in a lot of ways. Common sense and logic have nothing to do with politics or with law (although we would like them to) and that is the goal of this organization. GAG seeks to shove some common sense up the ass of the country. However, there’s a big problem with this. Common sense isn’t common, and isn’t sense. Look at Sarah Palin, for example. She likes to advertise that she has common sense, and then writes shit on her hand and tells everyone that the “socialist government is planning death squads.” Yet, somehow, people keep listening to her. Common sense in America? We ain’t got no room for air, so get in a diving bell.
Drug of choice – medical marijuana.
Lighten Up Party (FU)
If you’ve had it with everyone, and you’re just apathetic, then you’re probably a member of the FU. The FU has adopted the philosophy that everyone takes this political BS entirely too seriously. Did Rome collapse? Yes. Did the Mayan Empire collapse? Yes. Has every major government on this planet fallen apart at one time or another? Yes. Is ours going to fall apart? Of course it is. That’s why it’s important to be able to grow your own veggies and have a well-stocked armory in that fallout shelter you built in your backyard. What? you don’t HAVE a concrete bunker? Well then join the FU, because most of them don’t either. They can’t afford to build one because they’re too busy working regular jobs and trying to raise a regular family and just trying to survive. If they do get ten minutes of free time, they watch the television because they need to escape from reality because REALITY SUCKS.
Drug of choice – alcohol of any type.
Filed under: Bitching, Conservatives, Daily, Humor, Politics, Weird, liberals | Tagged: EPP Party, FU Party, GAG Party, party alternatives, party hearty, SSB Party